Live and Let Love
by ForensicsFreak1988
Summary: Tony's reaction to Twilight
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I thought that when I saw the last episode of JAG Bellisario couldn't sink lower...I was wrong. He needs to get off crack.

Disclaimer: Seeing as Kate's dead I'd say I don't own the characters.

next chapter relies souly on reviews.

It was not fair. How could one terrorist take away his life just like that? How could he have LET Ari take away his life like that? She'd had so much to live for, why couldn't he have saved her? Kate had been there for him when he'd been infected with _Y. Pestis_. Hell, she'd just taken a bullet for Gibbs. She was so selfless that she'd been willing to take the chance that the bullet would be a kill shot to save Gibbs, who'd been wearing his own vest, par her orders. He didn't want to think of what it had done to his emotions, seeing her there on the roof, so sure that she was dead, relieved beyond belief to find she wasn't, just to watch as the second bullet pierced her forehead a moment later. Anthony DiNozzo wasn't sure which was worse, that he hadn't been able to tell Caitlin Todd he loved her while she was alive, or that he hadn't been fast enough to block that bullet.

It was wrong. He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be going through Kate's desk. As much as he pretended not to care about invading her privacy, he really respected her space. He'd respected everything about her. But, Gibbs needed the desk cleaned out. So, he opened the pen drawer, relived not to find much more than pens, Wite-Out and such, her PDA, and some cosmetics. As he reached the bottom drawer he found a sketchpad, colored pencils, and her checkbook. As he pulled the sketchpad out, he noticed a small white envelope. He was puzzled to find a single word written in Kate's neat cursive writing.

_Tony._

Frowning in confusion he pulled out the envelope, carefully opening it. Sitting down in her chair, he began to read.

_Tony,_

_God this fells so weird. I've tried writing this letter so many times, but never got around to it. But, when you got sick the other day, I promised myself that if you survived, which thank god you did, I'd just tell you. But I chickened out, just as I've done a million times before. Which is why I'm writing this anyway. I don't want to die without having kissed you, without ever having known what it's like to wake up to you each morning and go to sleep with you each night. I don't what to be another one of your "hot" girls that you go through like candy. I don't want to change you, I know I can't. I wish you could love me without me having to worry that you'll leave me. That's probably why I chicken out each time I try to tell you. I'm afraid of what it might mean if I do. I don't think I could stand to be one of your flings Tony, I love you too much. I don't want my heart broken. Besides which, I like my job. For one, I get to see your smile every day. If you didn't love me, I'd have to leave. God, listen to me Tony, I sound like a helpless little schoolgirl rather than the NCIS special agent/ex-secret service agent that I am. This is what you do to me. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I guess after seeing you almost die, I realized how dangerous our job is. I'm not afraid of dieing. I am, however, afraid of dieing without knowing that you know, or at least will know how much I love you. Though, I guess the point is kind of moot, because there's no way words can express that. You make my life hell, not to mention Gibbs', McGee's, Abby's, and Ducky's, but, by some unexplainable twist of fate, you also make it heaven. I only wish I'd had the courage to tell you while I was alive._

_I'll love you 'til I die (and after)_

_KATE_

_P.S. Like your ego really needs the boost this letter will provide_

Tony felt a smile tug at his lips, which was ironic seeing as he felt like crying. In fact, Tony got up, quickly going to the bathroom. Locking himself in one of the stalls, he did something he hadn't done in a while- he cried.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you very much for the kind reviews. This is the first fic I actually posted and I wasn't sure how it would go. Hope you like this next chapter too and that lilac button still awaits…;) The song in this chapter is Don't Ask Me How I Know by Bobby Pinson. I don't own it, never willDon't own Tony or Kate or the incident with the flowers (you'll see) either.

Kate Todd poured herself some coffee, wrapping Tony's robe tighter around her, and breathing in her new boyfriend's scent. God, it felt so good to say that in reference to Tony. She smiled as she felt arms hug her waist. " Tony I thought I told you to stay in…" she scolded as she turned around. But it wasn't Tony who'd captured her. Fear filled her as she recognized the man who now had a gun to her chest as Ari. Her last thought was "Two weeks isn't long enough…"

Tony DiNozzo shot bolt upright, his breathing rapid. He was annoyed to realize there were tears in his eyes, and an overly excited face staring back at him. "Katie, get down!" When she simply stared back at him, wagging her tail as if he couldn't possibly mean it, he added, "NOW!" Slowly, his German Short Haired Pointer slinked off the bed. He didn't blame her for being confused though because he wasn't really angry with her, but the dream, and he didn't normally yell at her for getting on the bed. He'd gotten Katie a week ago, when Kate had died, to replace the void in his life. Unfortunately, while he had gained a great companion in the two-year old dog, Kate could not be replaced. Her smile, her teasing, and her laugh held too much meaning for Tony. He sighed. He really didn't want to get out of bed. He just wanted to lock himself up and cry. He'd done that the first weekend. The phone had rung a thousand times and the tape on his machine had been filled with Gibbs, Abby, Ducky, McGee. All asking him if he wanted to go somewhere, do something, was he alright, he should talk to someone. He'd wanted to scream, and throw and break things. He'd wanted to yell in their faces and tell them that no, he didn't want life to go on, Kate was dead, how could life go on. But, in the end, the pain in their voices told him that he wasn't the only one who missed Kate, and in some strange way that comforted him and helped him realized that life had to go on. That didn't mean he wanted it to. He knew that he'd never stop wanting to go back in time, wanting to jump in front of that bullet, wanting to see her beautiful smile again, wanting to wake up with Kate in his arms (finally) and realize that this had all been some horrible dream. Groaning, he did what he had to do, and got out of bed. Walking into the living room, he tried his best to ignore the wet t-shirt contest picture that he'd actually framed and put up in his living room- god he needed to get his life back. Glancing at his coffee table he noticed a white envelope with a single four-lettered word on it and felt the tears return. The hardest thing about this whole damn situation had been finding that letter, knowing that she had still had dreams, dreams that he could have fulfilled, had he known how she felt. They could have been so happy together, had that bastard Ari not taken away her chance at happiness. Angrily he slammed the power button on his radio, in a desperate attempt at getting his mind off seeing Ari torn to pieces.

Don't ride your bike off a ramp that's more than three bricks high

Don't take that candy from the store if you ain't got the dime.

Don't pick a fight with the little guy that doesn't talk that much

Don't pick up a cherrybomb thinkin' it's a dud

And don't sneak out of a 2 story house usin' bed sheets as a rope

Don't ask me how I know

Sell your truck while it's still runnin', save the Jesus off the dash

Say a prayer when you feel like cussin', save your money pay with cash

Forget your pride buy the roses, if your sorry tell her so…

He winced, thinking about the time he'd bought Kate flowers from her favorite florist. Her smile had been amazing that day, he'd relished her joy knowing he'd caused it, until Gibbs had come in and ruined it. Sure, he shouldn't have gone through her purse, but he'd wanted the perfect flowers, and he had no idea what florist she liked, or if she even liked flowers. Luckily he'd gotten a friend of Kate's by chance and she'd shown him an arrangement Kate had been admiring, but it'd been too late by then. He'd been hoping she wouldn't find out he'd gone through her purse. Damn Gibbs.

…Don't drink the water in Mexico

Don't ask me how I know

Don't quit your high school football team half way through the season

Don't bust your buddy in the nose, when you know he didn't mean it

Don't lose the girl you love at home for a night in Panama City

Don't rush off the phone when your Mama calls you ain't that busy

Ya oughta make that drive to say goodbye to your grampa 'fore he goes

Don't ask me how I know

Sell your truck while it's still runnin', save the Jesus off the dash

Say a prayer when you feel like cussin', save your money pay with cash

Forget your pride buy the roses, if your sorry tell her so

Don't drink the water in Mexico…

He smiled as he remembered Panama City. She'd gotten so sick that night, and naturally he'd ended up teasing a smile and a laugh out of her. He'd gone and gotten her bottled water, and stayed up with her until one in the morning. It had all been worth it when she'd climbed in to bed with him with an explanation of "I was cold" and a warning of "Tell anyone DiNozzo and see what I do."

…Don't ask me how I know

Forget your pride buy the roses, if you love her tell her so

Don't go to Vegas with your heart broke,

Don't bum your cousin for that first smoke

I'm tellin' ya don't drink the water in Mexico

Don't ask me how I know

Don't ask me how I know

I just know

Sell your truck while it's still runnin', say a prayer when you feel like cussin'…

At her funeral he'd wanted to scream, and bitch, and cuss. Wanted to tell them that Kate couldn't be dead, she just couldn't. He'd wanted to cry when her mom had admitted shyly to him as they where leaving that it was "Nice finally meeting you. Katie always had a smile in her voice when she talked about you. Even if she said she was mad." The tears in the eyes of Abby and Kate's mother and little sister had almost broken him down. He'd just prayed that he'd at least make it to his truck. Gibbs didn't need to see him cry.

…I know

Unfortunately for Anthony Dinozzo it had taken the death of Caitlin Todd for him to know what he now knew.

A/N: This may be the last chapter. I'm open to suggestions though. Sorry for the long wait- I had a big SAT test this week.


	3. Chapter 3

He wanted to bitch her out, wanted to scream at her, wanted to slap that stupid, life- is-just- fine- and- dandy grin off her face. He stopped himself, however. After all she couldn't help remembering him, guessing (correctly) who he was here to buy flowers for, and being happy for her friend. She just hadn't gotten the memo yet. He sighed.

"Look, Jennifer. You might want to sit down. Yeah, I'm here buying flowers for Kate." God just saying that made his eyes sting."But, it's not what you think. I'm buying them for Kate's grave." _Those words don't belong together_ his brain screamed at him.

"No." she murmured, as he turned away, trying to hide the tears that fell. Something about saying it just made it so final. "NO!" she exclaimed, louder this time."Was she tortured?" Just the thought made Tony ball his fists.

"No, Ari, the terrorist who killed her can thank god she wasn't" He seethed, the inferno with in him coming through in his words.

"H...How'd she d...die? She asked, not sure she wanted to know.

Tony willed his brain not to supply the image that went with his words. It did not obey. Seeing it all too clearly, Tony said slowly, "She'd just taken a bullet to the chest. I'd thought she was gone then. But, thank god she had a vest on. I'd helped her up and we were joking around. She'd started to say that she'd thought she'd have been dead before she heard Gibbs' tell me I was right. Next thing I know, she's down with a bullet to her forehead, her beautiful brown hair matted in blood. God damn it! Why the hell didn't I check the other buildings?..." and the inferno was back, and Jennifer had grabbed his wrist tostop him from throwing the arrangement he'd just boughten. He really needed Kate rightnow. She'd be able to joke him out of being so royally pissed. _Of course, if Kate were here you wouldn't be so angry._ his mind supplied the wry humor. "Thanks he said sheepishly.

"You going to put those on her grave right now?"

"Yeah"

"Tell her I said 'hi'"

He tried to smile, he really did. But all he could manage was a teary smirk. He sulked to his car, slamming the door once he was in. God, he needed Kate.

It was all Gibbs' fault. It had all been his idea. He was the reason Tony was sitting in his car, tears in his eyes, unable to do what he'd come to do. Seeing Jennifer had reminded that Kate should not have died. She had so many friends and family that were going to miss her terribly, he'd seen it at her funeral. Tony realized that he needed people walking by to realize how much she'd touched people. And so, with a certain determination, he got out of his car with the flowers and started towards the coldly beautiful graniate slab that was all that was left of the woman who should have been his best friend. Placing the roses on her grave, he fell to his knees. There was so much he wanted to say, needed to say. But what was to point? It wasn't like any of it was going to bring her back. But, for some reason, he wanted to say it.

"Kate, there's so much I want to say to you right now. But, I don't know how to tell you how much I miss you Kate. I miss everything about you. I miss, your smile, your laugh, you getting pissed at me for all to wise ass crab I've said to you. I hope you realize that I never meant any of it. You'll always hold my heart in your hand Kate. I'm truely sorry I didn't tell you that while you were alive. I realy am. But, I hope others will see that I love you, because I need people to know that you were loved." Tears threated as he placed a small envelope in the flowers, signed simply heart Tony.

A/N: Again, sorry I took so long. hopefully, I'll be quicker when exams are out. Hope you liked it and REVIEW. (please) Oh, and Brie, there's a butterfly behind you.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I wasn't going to continue, but then CSIfreak89 told me I had to so…thank her. I don't own anybody, including the Red Sox, and the song which is A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, but you all knew that. By the way this chapter goes out to Becky, even though she'll never read this, who is the world's biggest Red Sox fan. CSIfreak89 can attest to that.

**ktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktkt **

Tony couldn't believe that it had been a year. A full year since Kate had died. It had been a full twelve months and Tony still thought about her every day. Every day he walked into the office, hoping to see her smiling face, ready to tease and torment him beyond belief, and in doing so wiping away any pain that might have been caused by a bad break up the night before. Every day he was deflated as he saw the Red Sox posters that belonged to Kate's "replacement" around the desk that used to be, should be, Kate's. And I mean "replacement" in the loosest sense of the word. There was no way in hell the new girl, Becky, could hold a candle to Kate. She, although a competent NCIS agent, had nowhere near the profiling or the art skills that Kate had. And that was just professionally. She HATED coffee, hated the color black, liked sappy pop songs, and had actually told Ducky to shut up the other day. You just didn't tell Ducky to shut up. Particularly not in as many words, and **especially** if you weren't Gibbs. Don't get me wrong she wasn't a bad person. In fact, Tony saw only three things wrong with her. She wasn't Kate, she wasn't Kate, and, oh yeah, she wasn't Kate. Sighing, he took off his jacket, slinging it across the back of his chair. He'd showed up early, well, not early for him. The closest he'd gotten to being on time since Kate's death was fifteen minutes early. That happened once a month. Every month, on the fifteenth day of the month, he went to Martha's Garden, and bought flowers, always the same arrangement he'd first bought her to smooth over their "professional" relationship, going to visit her grave before work. Every month, on the fifteenth of the month, he recalled how wonderful it had felt to watch her gloating to McGee that the flowers were "From Tony". Every month, on the fifteenth day of the month, he arrived around the time that McGee, and Becky did, his eyes slightly puffy. Both knew better than to say something, as an angry Tony was not something to be messed with. An angry Tony with tears in his eyes was even worse. Today was the fifteenth. April fifteenth. It, as previously mentioned, had been a year since Kate's death and it was wreaking havoc on Tony's emotions. The first emotion that he would have given, if pressed, would have, obviously, been sadness. This would have been followed by regret. He should have stopped that bullet, should have told her how he felt, should have made her world heaven (he hadn't quite believed her letter when it had said he had. Kate deserved so much more than he'd given her.). Regret was followed by frustration. Why the hell hadn't he? Why couldn't he make his pain go away? Or could he? Depression followed frustration. He needed to get rid of all his pain, and killing himself seemed the only way. Next came disgust at him self for even harboring the thought, and lastly, exhaustion. Pure, unadulterated exhaustion. At the end of the day, he always ended up crying himself to sleep. Every day was like this. Sure Tony had gone through the motions of picking up the shattered pieces of his life, especially at work, and had even taken a cute blonde out for dinner the other night, but then he passed her picture on the wall baring agents killed in action, or glanced over his shoulder, to where he'd hung the portrait of himself Kate had drawn (he'd initially wanted to burn it, but couldn't bring himself to burn a part of Kate's soul), or simply looked over at Becky, typing away on Kate's computer, and he nearly lost it. Today, he could already tell (it being only 0746) would be infinitely worse. But then, after only a half an hour of pretending everyone else wasn't waking on eggshells around him, Gibbs' phone rang, and Tony felt his spirits soar at the thought of losing himself in the thrill of case work. Disgusted he realized that he'd actually started _wishing_ someone would die. What was wrong with him? But before he could work out an answer Gibbs called out, "Dinozzo, Becky, let's go."

**ktkktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktkt**

Tony wasn't sure where he was going, but he knew he sure as hell wasn't going home. Sure, he'd long since thrown everything that reminded him of Kate in a box and had thrown it in the back of his closet, but he knew that if he went home, he'd have it out, staining the letter with even more tear stains than it already had on it. And as much as he felt like crying right now… he didn't. If that made any sense at all. Right now, Tony felt like forgetting he needed Kate's smile, needed Kate's laughter, even needed Kate's playfully putting him in his place. Right now, Tony Dinozzo felt like forgetting that he needed Kate Todd. So, having finished his work for the day, and having nowhere else to go, he left, heading towards his favorite bar. After about an hour of slowly sipping the same beer, a blonde took the stage, and Tony smirked. But he wasn't smirking for long.

"Hi. I'm Caitlin, but every one calls me Kate. Hee Hee. Alright, anyways, I'm gonna be singing Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles. So, yeah here goes." The music played, and after Tony had contained himself, he listened.

'_cuz I need you,_

_and I miss you._

_And now I wonder if I could fall, into the sky._

_Do you think time would pass me by?_

'_cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you tonight._

It's lonely times like these, when I think of you 

_And I wonder if you ever think of me_

'_cuz everything's so wrong and I don't belong_

_living in your precious memory._

'_cuz I need you,_

_and I miss you._

_And now I wonder if I could fall, into the sky._

_Do you think time would pass me by?_

'_cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you tonight._

Tony felt the tears fall down, letting the words speak for him. It was so wrong. The ditsy blonde having Kate's name, singing Kate's song. Him being it this bar right now, trying to move on. In fact, life itself without Caitlin Todd was just wrong. Quickly, he drained the rest of his second beer, and closed his tab. Driving rather slowly, he made his way to the cemetery, sitting down next to her grave. "Hi Kate. I thought I'd come and tell you about the day. I miss the joking, you know. Gibbs is actually nicer. And the new girl Becky is so out of place I can't stand it…" Tony sat, keeping the rest of Caitlin Todd company, until it started getting dark and he had to go home.

**ktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktktkt**

**I hope you liked it. Pleaz Review. This IS the last chapter. **

**Jtbwriter-**Thanks. Tony wrote himself. He's the humor amidst sadness type.

Casey4u2nv-I think everyone was hurt by Kate's death. 

**FeverishDream-**I LOVE your review, easily my favorite.

**WBH21C-**Thank you

**AthenBlade-**I threw the pic in this chapter just for you.

**Chiroho-**I love the letter too grins sheepishly

**Alexiamanda-**Cool assignment. Thank you.

CSIfreak89-I like the song choice too, but I wouldn't have thought it fit. But then, you know us…connecting every song to ships. :-) 

**Alliegh Taylor-**Thank you

**Chiroho(again)-**I know really?(Poor Tony)

**Roquewriter04-**Sorry I made you cry…I can't believe they killed Kate off either. She was the coolest. I wish Sasha hadn't wanted off…but I wish her well of course. Wow, now I'm just babbling, cuz Sasha was awesome. Oh, and I already have two Twilighty fics planned so…Watch for them.


End file.
